Dear Myers and Briggs,

So you’re dead, which may make it a little creepy that I’m writing to you. Sorry about that. I just took your little test thingy-ma-bob. And I’d like to thank you for reaffirming my beliefs that I am, indeed, a crazy person. A person that no one likes. I’m talking no one. Sure ISTJs have their pros, and I’ll go over that in a bit. But wow, those cons are striking. And they fit me like a glove.

What makes up this ISTJ?

• I: Introversion. I’m shy and prefer reflection over interactions with others. This one’s a gimme. Next!
• S: Sensing. I want the tangible information. Facts. Now.
• T: Thinking. Rational thoughts and objective reasoning over feel-good solutions. I wasn’t too far into this category, so maybe I consider both in decisions.
• J: Judging. I want things decided and closed. I hate interruptions (which is so very true).

The Good Stuff

• I’m a great worker. Imagine that. But I’m also very reliable, assuming that task is something I’ve added as part of my duties and decided to take on.
• I’m faithful, loyal, dependable. You know like a dog.
• Once I learn something, I’m freaking awesome at it.

The Nasty Side

• Basically.. I’m a cold hearted beezy.
• If I’m stressed out, I’ll go straight to the extreme that THE WORLD IS ENDING AND MY LIFE IS HORRIBLE!
• I have issues with opening myself up and connecting deeply with others.

That’s the cliff notes. A whole summary of my life is basically presented in the full ISTJ portrait. I realize I shouldn’t blame two dead people for my own personality traits. I’m also aware that it’s just a test and does not box me up and shelf me as this ISTJ character for life. I took this as a prep for a leadership training we’re doing at work. I’ve read through everything I can get my hands on, and it’s a pretty darn accurate portrayal of who I am and how/why I operate. As I’ve been bumbling my way through my life, relationships, and career, it’s nice to see that I have a “default” button. And that’s when I slide into my ISTJ tendencies. Knowing the way I operate, however, will provide me with the knowledge to play up my strengths, take care of my weaknesses, and take over the world! Or just be a more fulfilled human being. You know, baby steps.

Have you ever figured out your personality type (there’s a free test here)? What do you think?

Sidenote: I fancied up my page a bit in an effort to motivate me to write in here more. We’ll see if that actually works. Funny that I’m all dependable according to the above, but have let this whole blog venture fall by the wayside.

My year as twenty four was one I never could have predicted, and one that without reflection could have passed by without regard. But it was a year to be proud of that is for sure. I did things and accomplished more than I could have envisioned. I may be spending my twenties as a married, career-driven, young lady, a way of life that could easily fall victim to the boring day to day, but it is still exciting and wide open for adventures and opportunities. I battled the same challenges I face year after year: eating healthy, finding time to exercise, wanting more out of life, stressing myself out more than necessary. And I will continue to face those this next year.

However, those are not the things I’ll remember my twenty-four year old self for. I’ll remember that: I made a list and took an active role in achieving the things I want out of life; It was the year I got bangs and I started to love my hair; I got a new computer and subsequently learned how to edit my photos better (and had fun with it!); I stopped hiding the fact that I don’t believe in god; I flew to Vegas two weekends in a row, once to celebrate two years with my husband and another time to meet a group of women I did not know who would have such a profoundly positive impact on me and my outlook on life; I became a sister-in-law to two adorable little twin babies who have given my baby fever a huge boost; I had a girls weekend in Shaver and got back to work to find out I was getting promoted; I photographed my first wedding and fell in love with my husband ten times over as he officiated the ceremony; My family went to Yosemite and did not see any bears; I went back to school for my masters in taxation degree; We moved out of our little cottage in the quest for more space to live; I committed to the Avon Walk and felt good to be helping a cause so much bigger than myself. I blogged less, I lived more. It was a tremendous year.

The things I learned over this past year are small things, like refusing to say no to something just because it makes me nervous. Little things that will open more doors for me in the future. I want to take advantage of all the opportunities I can. Those plans I had for myself when I was going through college, that timetable I just needed to meet: out the window. I want to live in the present, not pushing all my hopes and dreams into the unknown future. Granted, this won’t result in some huge life-altering change right away, but I don’t want to limit myself by refusing to see things as options. It’s my life that I’m leading. In the spirit of watching The Holiday a few too many times this December, I need gumption. And 25 year old Stephanie is going to have gumption in spades.

December 11, 2009: Happy 25th Birthday to me.

Happy holidays everyone, I hope you have had a fabulous 2009 and are looking forward to an even better 2010.

via mugley

Every morning I walk from my $50/month parking lot to my work building. The building whose parking costs $135/month; an amount I cannot soberly spend on parking. I don’t mind the nice little walk in the mornings. Especially when the weather is as perfect as it is now. A nice breeze. Clear skies. It’s quite invigorating to be in the open air, getting my body moving after my commute. There is one point in the walk that I always encounter that just makes me a little crazy. No matter how fast or slow I walk, the timing of the stop lights never works in my favor at this one intersection. I’m always about two steps too late to make the light and have to wait until the next time around. This morning when I was walking, I was thinking about recent events in my life and realized this intersection is a metaphor for being in your twenties.

You graduate high school, and everyone acts like it’s the beginning of your adulthood, but really is it? Maybe for some. But for those who decide to get their bachelor’s degree or higher education beyond that, it’s really only the beginning. The beginning of this long waiting game. Because once you graduate college after four years (or longer if you continue on) then you will start your career (hopefully anyway). Then once you start your career, it’s only a little longer until you are really settled and move up the ladder and start making enough money to be comfortable. And then if you live in a metropolitan area, you’ve got to wait a few years, save even more money before you buy a house, which you should have before you start a family. That is if you’re lucky enough to already have found your partner, otherwise you just have to wait some more for the “right” person to come around.

It seems like the time is never right for anything when you are in your twenties. Those who are older, who have been there, look back and tell you not to worry. Life is not a sprint. That it’s all about the journey and not the destination. But why then, do I feel like I’m just a horse, pulling a cart, reaching so hard for that carrot, and it constantly being just beyond my reach? I think this is the dilemma most over-achievers face. In high school, you get straight As, and you get the recognition. Hey you graduated! You’re valedictorian! Here’s your medal! Instant rewards. In life, when you take those extra steps, when you make someone else’s life easier, no one is there to give you a gold star. The rewards will eventually come in, but in that moment you feel like you are putting forth more effort than you receive. People will say that it will all be worth it in the end, just be patient. And I do trust that it will be.

At least it better be. And maybe for my patience it can be chocolate-covered, with sprinkles, and dusted with gold.

• Work. Yeah not fun but for whatever reason I can channel my inner college student to cram in work when I need to.
• TV. Well to be specific, Dead Like Me on Hulu. We now have the iMac set up with hulu desktop and have it linked to our Harmony remote. So that basically controls my life. I’ve determined that if a show is on Showtime, I will most likely love it. Weeds, Californication, Dead Like Me, Dexter, United States of Tara. Yep we’ve watched them all. And I forsee Nurse Jackie being added to that list very soon.
• Fixing computer issues. Not that I obsessively spent four hours into the night trying to fix some random hosting issue. No I would never do that. Except I did. And literally had to drag myself away and into bed when I still could not figure it out.
• Cutting Cale’s hair. At midnight. Because that is normal. The spending an extra thirty minutes assuring him that no it’s not too short, and no you don’t need to shave it all off now.
• Folding laundry.
• Surfing The Knot because I’m shooting a friend’s wedding next week, and I am so not prepared whatsoever. Thank goodness it’s pretty low stress being a backyard wedding. But still, new territory freaks me out.

Maybe it’s the lack of sleep but I really cannot believe it’s already Friday. This week has been pretty darn exciting though. I went to Shaver over the weekend. Came back with a nice tan. Monday found out I am being promoted at work. Which I would totally be over the moon about had everyone in my start class been as well. But it’s a total bummer that not everyone has something to celebrate. (Shakes her fist at the economy) So while I am definitely happy and glad to be recognized at work, it’s not as great as it could be.

Cale and I have also been day dreaming about this completely abandoned, rundown cabin for sale in our town. I know, such a random thing to drool over right? But it’s super cheap, and even though we weren’t planning on buying in the Bay Area for a long time, it’s a small possibility that we might look into, should we get the information we need from the county on what needs to be fixed and approved through them. But even though we’re not committed to it, we’ve been having fun picking out kitchen and bathroom stuff and talking about it like its ours. Maybe it’s our way of making up for the lack of the HGTV or TLC channels since we canceled our cable. We won’t be heartbroken should everything not work out (to be honest, I think it would save me one giant headache), but we’re casually looking into it.

I’m in a pretty good place right now. I love when I can look back on a week, overlook the occasional bad mood I encountered, and be very pleased with how it went. I struck a good balance (regardless of the sleep issues), and I know my life’s headed into the right direction.

Oh the dishes. Look at this dust. If I dust I will probably have to vacuum. Oh and of course mop. The laundry. My back hurts, I must have broken it. I have to give the dogs a bath again? That will take up at least another half hour out of my day. And then there will be even more laundry. When is the last time I watered the garden? Oh it’s raining. Good that’s done. But then when will we be able to mow the lawn? If making mountains out of mole hills was a legitimate profession, I could be CEO and retire from my millions in stock options.

I even build writing a blog up to enormous proportions. So much that I avoid it at all costs. I’ve stopped creating drafts in an effort to spur my creativity. What in the world would I blog about? I’ve spent my entire week worrying about doing things, leaving little time for anything to get done. Let alone accomplish something worth blogging about.

So you know what? I’m just going to stop this nonsense. For reals. I have a great life. Sometimes, as much as I love my brain and how far it’s brought me, I really wish I could shut it off. It goes on overdrive the majority of the time. I have zero control of the excess junk that jets back and forth into my consciousness, when really spending my thinking power on extra little details keeps me from the things I do want to concentrate on.

This weekend Cale and I took the dogs on a hike up the hill. This specific time the weather was perfect: the rain had washed everything anew. It was fresh and crisp. Really quite perfect. The fresh air cleared my mind, and even through the huffing and puffing up the hill, I felt great. It was pretty hilarious though because once we got to the top of the hill, we were face to face with a herd of about thirty five cattle. No fence or anything between us. Well Maisie, the ferocious little thing she is, thought she could scare them off with incessant barking. This made the cows just more curious, getting really too close for comfort. We eventually got the dogs calmed down and feeling comfortable with our new hiking pals. All I could think was how in the world I forgot my camera. Really it was too bizarre having all these cows staring us down.

photo courtesy of miketembo. Close enough to what we saw.

I brushed any of my worries away and had to laugh. Dang it was a good laugh too.

So how was your weekend? Did you get to refresh? Please tell me I’m not alone in my uncontrollable worrying.

What better way to begin a new year than to do some self-reflection? I spent a lot of 2008 trying to figure out who I was. I was juggling the different images of myself that I wished I was and then had a hard time accepting the person I truly am.

The person I am not going to be in 2009:

• That person who doesn’t disappoint others. I have to know that I’m never going to be enough for everyone. I won’t be around enough. I won’t keep in contact enough. I will forget birthdays and anniversaries. And life will go on. But you know who I won’t disappoint? Myself. That will be my priority. And to those who I will disappoint, hopefully they will be those awesome people in your life who are understanding and love you as you are. If they aren’t? Oh well, they will be disappointed, and I won’t let it bother me.
• Someone who can keep the house perfectly clean and cook marvelous dinners. I am going to accept that I won’t always have the time after work to cook a great dinner (or a dinner at all). Our TV will get dusty, and I will cave and spray my shower with bleach once a month instead of scrubbing it weekly. My garden will need watering and weeding. I’m going to instead be so thankful for my husband who picks up the slack and helps me not only get things done, but helps me to understand that those things are not as important as our time together.
• The ultimate hostess or socialite. After living in the bay area for almost two years we still are lacking in the friend department. I’m not wonderfully extroverted and adept at making friends, so I knew this would be a struggle. So this year maybe making an eensy bit of an effort will give us the opportunity to have people we can hang out with. Am I the only person who finds couple dates so incredibly awkward? Like you’re dating all over again.
• The crafter. I can craft occasionally. And sometimes it works out, but I have to know that I just will not have the time to be as crafty as I’d like. I love looking at others’ projects. Maybe this year I will just browse etsy more and allow others craftiness to make me happy.
• As fit as I am in my dreams. But I am going to start training for a half marathon in May. I will either register for the half marathon or the 5k depending on how my training is going. And I’m going to do the triathlon again in September. Hopefully those will keep me motivated to stay active.

So while I won’t be the perfect Stephanie who exists in my dreams, I can look forward to a year where I live with realistic expectations of myself. As a result, I hope to have a much happier year. A year where I work hard at work and come home to my husband and enjoy my life. I will work on exercising more because when I do it gives me more energy to get other things done. I will work on learning more about my new vegetarian diet and the endless options I have for meals. I will enjoy photography and look forward to enhancing my skills at my new-found hobby. I will explore our area in Northern California and find more places to escape reality with my husband. I will actually write in my paper journal. I will be a person who lives in the moment and stops keeping a mental countdown for the next upcoming event.

What did you learn about yourself in the past year? Are you using that as a way to improve in the upcoming year?